Incest and suicide. It’s two topics we tend to shy away from, but I want to hit them head on right here on my blog. These are topics I’ve never discussed openly here — Only in private with a select group of friends and family. As I’ve mentioned on many occasions, I believe this is the only place in the world where I can come and truly be myself. This is a very special place to me.
Incest
What came to mind when you read the word above? How do you feel? Does it make you angry? Sad? Indifferent?
Incest is something many American families do not talk about. For many, it’s a secret which goes to the grave. Over the years, I’ve sought in-depth knowledge of this perplexing issue which affects many families not only in America, but around the world. Is it an act of power? An attraction to one’s vulnerability and lack of defense? Is it psychological? Incest is, I believe, a common reality for many families.
As a child, I experienced incest with a family member. The episodes would begin well after everyone was asleep. He would awaken me late in the night, manipulating me to perform various acts with him. At the time, I was too young to comprehend the significance of these events, but after they ended and I grew older, I realized the horror of what I experienced.
Due to the frequency of these ‘episodes’, I never bothered to question what was occurring. It was something routine and with a family member I trusted. For many years, I never uttered a word about this secret. I didn’t want to harm the innocence of him or the health of my family.
At the age of 17, I broke my silence and told a friend. She was someone I felt would understand and much to my surprise, she shared a secret in return. It was a relief to finally tell someone! Soon after, I also told my Mom. She instinctively knew which family member I spoke of, and when she pressed for confirmation, I declined to reveal his identity for the sake of protecting him. I believe this experience was the primary contributor to my lack of self-esteem on occasion as a child and adolescent.
The weight of incest is a heavy burden for any child, adolescent or adult to carry. It truly saddens me to know that so many people are suffering in silence due to fear, shame or guilt. Their morale and confidence are at an all-time low. They question their identity, who they are and why they were chosen. It’s an unfortunate battle to fight alone and some never win.
I chose to further embrace my values of love and respect. I challenged myself to overcome this experience. I won the battle.
Suicide
Few people are aware that I’ve ever considered taking my own life. Well, it’s true. When my Dad died 17 years ago, I couldn’t accept the fact that he was gone. I wanted to be with him, because there was so much left for us to share and experience. I was highly distraught, regardless of the fact that my Dad wasn’t an instrumental part of my life. I wanted to leave with him so that we could rejoice in heaven.
Shortly after his funeral, I started a series of counseling sessions with a great therapist. With each session, the urge to commit suicide lessened. I also started the slow process of accepting my Dad’s death and continuing with my own life. It wasn’t easy. Even today, I still have thoughts of my Dad and what could have been if he were still alive.
Beyond the death of my Dad, the thought of suicide has occurred on several occasions. One thing I’ve struggled with is understanding my purpose here on Earth. Given all that I’ve achieved in my young life, why would I question my purpose? Well, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Deep within my existence, I’ve long known that there was something special and unique about myself. It’s evident in the history of my life to this present day.
The burden that I carry today is unfair to myself. I want to be all things that is great change in life. I want to see an end to things which have long complicated my existence in this world. Sometimes, suicide seems to be such an attractive solution. I wouldn’t have to burden myself with figuring out how to change the world. I wouldn’t have to worry about how people perceive me. I wouldn’t have to spend another day depressed about all of the world’s problems and how to fix them.
For some, suicide is freedom. It’s a liberating act which frees one’s soul to move beyond the sphere of a controlled and distorted reality that most are oblivious to. This fact has been the root of my unhappiness and disdain for humanity for many years. This altered reality and facade we call ‘life’ has long inspired what life could be like elsewhere in the universe. I long for a reality that isn’t manipulated and shifted by the greed for control of the mind and humanity.
There are no guarantees. I can only do my best to focus less on the world’s issues and more on living a balanced and happier life, because in this era, the change I desire will not occur in my lifetime.
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im getting nervous writing about my experience .. a man was working for my father has raped me while i was 10 y/o , now im 49 y/o destryed man .. till then i was a victim .. then i became a felon when i raped my youngest sister i was 13 and she was 11 … sorry i can’t go on