Is My Heart Empty (Or Am I Just Numbed?)

There are so many things I struggle with on a daily basis. My mind is filled with a million thoughts that I often feel helpless of ever fulfilling. There are so many things I want to do, but feel paralyzed to ever do anything (Who’s actually going to stand with me?) I seem to revisit so many things from the past to understand the present (and future). Somedays, I’m simply drained by everything around me and eventually end up taking a nap or disconnecting from the world to slip into my own world.

One of my biggest flaws in life has been my ability to love too freely and openly. As a child, I had the overbearing presence of my mother, but her love was undeniable (even when she whipped me like a mad woman). I’m not sure where or how I became such a loving person (It wasn’t my father, because I can only recall him abusing drugs and my mother, although there are memorable pictures of us together), but somehow, I was born to love.

During the earlier years of my life, I always attempted to inspire my family with jokes and love. Nothing was more important to me than seeing my family together and happy. I loved being around them and I enjoyed being surrounded by loving people. It just made me feel great all over.

I can recall “falling in love” with my first ever crush as a child. I was head over hills for this girl to the point I cried. I don’t recall telling her of my feelings, because after all, we were just kids. Throughout elementary and middle school, there would be more girls I’d admire (although I never “fell in love” with them), but I rarely ever communicated my feelings, simply because I never felt these girls were interested in someone like myself (after elementary, I was a loner, didn’t have a circle of “buddies,” and was mostly quiet and reserved.)

When I turned 17, I fell hard for an attractive girl I met online who lived in Pennsylvania — But only after being told so many things that alluded to her interest in something more than friendship. I even whipped myself into shape: I lost 75 pounds within four months, simply because I didn’t want to be a fat kid meeting a slender, tall woman. We met in person a few times, but then it soon became evidently clear that I was being misled. While I valued her friendship, I was certainly hoping for more based on the indicators I was reading. Suddenly, hope became depression, and I slipped into an abyss of tears for days on end — It’s probably the most I’ve ever cried in my life (I think this had a larger impact than the final separation from my ex.)

At 19, I had my first ever girlfriend (I’m of course leaving out dozens of women I’ve casually met, but we’ll focus on the important ones). Due to my observations of my peers over the years, I believed I was terribly late to the game of dating. I actually felt quite embarrassed about it, but it was an opportunity that simply happened: I became friends with a former instructor’s niece and the rest is history. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a fan of the dynamics of our relationship: She went to school in Ohio, while I lived in Michigan. Plus, I wasn’t comfortable about nature of her school: It was known for frequent parties and I didn’t have good vibes about her environment, friends or commitment to our relationship.

I ended the relationship. (There were several good reasons for doing so, and I believe to do this day that I made the right decision to protect myself in the long run).

In between my first girlfriend and my next one, I continued meeting and interacting with different women. I later realized that most of the women I met and interacted with, wanted more than the simple friendship I desired. There was a good span in my life where I had no interest in dating anyone — I simply wanted to make some good friends and figured that, eventually, I’d meet the woman that was intended for me in a relationship.

When I turned 24, I met a seemingly mature young lady from Canada. We would go on to have interesting conversations about life and everything else, and a few weeks later, she was at my doorstep to visit me. Right off the bat, she knew she wanted a relationship — I did not. I was content living and being alone, doing what I wanted (when I wanted), and being free of any stress. Internally, I strongly opposed her proposal for a relationship, but then I later decided, “What could it hurt?” We later got engaged (which, again, I sharply opposed internally), then married (yep, I opposed that too).

I am leaving out a TON of details here. However, I’ll sum it up perfectly: It was a disaster. I lost practically everything I’d created for myself as far as a comfortable life is concerned. For several years, I’d rehash over the new home I walked away from (I was 95% into closing the deal), having my own place to live, a car, an abundance of resources, etc. I couldn’t stop whining about how badly I fucked up my life, all because I didn’t have the strength to overcome the challenges I was being faced with.

The one thing I never dealt well with was love and disappointment, and this final disappointment was too much to bear. It cut me deep and wide, and I’d spend the next few years being tortured by this woman and her presence, getting together and breaking up again, and so on. It was the beginning of an amazing transition in my life — One that I’m not sure was for the best, but certainly for the well being of maintaining my happiness and sanity in life (I guess this started my transitioning of internalizing my pain, growing distraught over the traditional and assumed roles of men and women, and detesting the idea of dating altogether. You could even say that I grew to literally hate women of my generation at times, as they practically angered me with their princess-like personalities and attitudes.)

Looking back on all of these experiences, from losing at love to the death of my father, or being wronged by a family member as a child, I often wonder what has happened to me as a person, and most importantly, my heart. People tell me that my heart is closed, that I’m cold and that I don’t give people chances, and I can’t say that I disagree. However, despite everything, there’s still a burning desire deep within to experience love (or “pair bonding”, whatever it really is) for once in my life. I have no idea what it’s like to be loved by a woman who understands, appreciates and is committed to me.

Regardless of the outcome, I’ll live my life, no matter what.

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